Vortex (2014)
by Lowell Dean and others
“What’s this then? A MOVIE?!?! BUT THIS IS A COMICS BLOG!”
Once again, dear reader, I can read your mind. But you see, after Vortex Comics stopped publishing comics, they… Well, I don’t quite know what they did at first, but they ended up as an independent movie producer called Vortex Words + Pictures:
Just read the about page:
As far as I can tell, the first movie they produced was in 2005? And it’s all cheap B movies, mostly horror and horror comedy stuff. Their most famous movie is this one, which is apparently about a cop who’s a werewolf?
Sure, I’m aboard for that.
Hm, no, that’s probably not correct: They also did Trailer Park Boys, which I’ve heard is actually pretty good? But I can’t watch cringe humour stuff, so I’ve just seen five minutes of one of the episodes…
Oh, Vortex just did the two live shows, not the TV series itself. OK, that makes more sense:
Let me first preface this review by stating that I am a big fan of the Trailer Park Boys TV show. I have all the seasons on DVD, as well as the blu-rays of their feature movies, as well as their direct-to-video movie. And as a fan, I must warn every and all TPD fans to avoid this “special” at all costs. Unless, of course, you’d like to have your memories of the classic show tainted by this garbage.
[…]
Honestly, I couldn’t even get through this travesty in one sitting. I’d be constantly wincing and invariably switch to a different movie or show just to cleanse my palate. In total, it took me 6 sessions to get through this 90-minute torture session, and I really had to force myself to power through.
Sounds fun!
And: No, I’m not going to watch all of the Vortex movies, just a couple. I’m … curious. Yellow.
OK, let’s roll… WolfCop!
Wolfcop. Lowell Dean. 2014. ⚄
Oh, my. The cop’s name is Lou Garou. OK, this is gonna be the best movie ever!
[five minutes pass]
It’s very modern. It’s got generic heavy rock music playing all the time, and never more than a couple of seconds between an edit. But it does seem kinda fresh? It’s already had a couple of gags I smiled at.
I was going to say that I liked the makeup on Lou (the cop), especially the eyeliner, which presages his werewolfness, but then:
His boss also wears eyeliner, so perhaps that just what the makeup artist does with all the actors?
[the end]
OK, my plan was to liveblog this movie while watching it, but I was so amused by it that I ended up just watching it instead.
It’s a fun movie! There’s so many things in here that are genuinely original… the plot is pretty clever, with reversals that are actually surprising.
They’re not trying to hide the Canadian origins, either. There’s a whole scene where the buddy is trying to convince the cop to take off his gitch for the camera, for instance.
And… well, I’ve never seen a werewolf transformation like that before: It starts with the guy peeing, and then we see the transformation from the penis up.
It’s funny!
It is!
But, OK, this is a low-budget movie… It’s very bloody… but it’s a lot of fun. I LOL-ed out loud several times. I liked all the actors. The editing was a bit too hyper-active for my tastes, and the music was too rocky, but for an unpretentious B movie, it’s excellent.
What did the critics and public think?
It’s mixed!
“Micturating.” OK, dear.
Funnily enough, non-critics seem to dislike it:
Reading between the lines, I think nerds were kinda grossed out:
I could do without seeing werewolf dick, though. The sex scene was bizarre but probably the closest thing to a successful gag in the movie. The premise of this movie was great but the execution was a fail.
Oh, yeah, the romantic scene was fabulous! Suddenly there were all these candles in the cell when they were fucking! The movie uneasily trod a line between being a slightly silly werewolf horror comedy movie, and being out-and-out Zucker/Abrahams total anything-goes, but I think they navigated those waters admirably.
That didn’t happen, but “Another Wolfcop” was released in 2017, and I’m definitely getting it.
There’s a “making of” on this bluray that’s almost as long as the movie itself. It turns out that Wolfcop won a reality show thing in Canada where the prize was getting (some) financing to do the movie. It’s got shots like these:
And:
Vortex is really getting back to their penis-mutilation roots!
“The weather turned on you like a bad bouncer at a bar.”
That’s a saying I haven’t heard before.
OH MY GOD!? THIS WAS SHOT IN SEVENTEEN DAYS?!
These people are geniuses.
This blog post is part of the Into the Vortex series.